There will be days (of course there will be!) that you will not feel 100%. Things happen around you that can trigger you, it is normal, you do not live in a cave! and even if you did live in a cave, you may be triggered by something like that damn caterpillar won’t he just wear shoes that make less noise when he walks?!? As much as we understand the importance of creating your own inner peace and your own inner happiness, events will happen around you that will interact with that. And you may be triggered. You may, because of an external event, react in a way that you may not like, feel feelings you don’t want to feel or have some insecurities come up. The thing is, this is ok. The rule of the game is not to be perfect all the time. We are humans, after all! Even you, god walking on this earth, you are in a human body! you are living the human experience, remember? and the human experience is MESSY. it is a lot of stuff. We can of course be our highest self, basically all the time, every time, without any effort. But still, sometimes, the human experience comes back in. So, what to do when this happens? The first thing to do is to accept it. Feeling guilt or regret for feeling a certain way or having insecurities coming up will not help, you will just feel worse. Let me repeat this: the game is not to be prefect all the time, the game is to overall feel good and happy with who you are.
So, a thing happened, maybe a stressful situation, or someone did something that upset you, and you reacted without thinking about it, without being able to regulate properly the way you may have wanted to. It’s ok. Accept it. No guilt, no shame. BUT, a learning experience. Learn from it so that you can become aware of it and be more prepared for next time. After you accept that you have reacted, because after all you still are in a human body, you can decide, well, to stop reacting and be who you really are again. As Joe Dispenza says ” what matters is not that you react, is how long you are going to react”. So let’s take a concrete example. You are having a stressful day at work, maybe you had a fight with a colleague and she said you are incompetent. All you want to do is go home and eat a whole pack of chocolate cookies and be left the fuck alone. But you go home you eat a cookie, and your husband tells you ”hey weren’t you on a diet? why are you eating those cookies” and SAY NO MORE, you explore, tell him to go fuck himself and find an anorexics top model for a wife, you slam the door and you go to the movies.
OK. You reacted. You yelled at your husband who you loves and who did nothing wrong and you ate cookies even if you were on a diet. Now, stop and think. Why did you do that? What is it that you needed? You wanted to eat cookies so badly. Do you associate eating unhealthy food with calming down? So what you really wanted was to calm down, not really the eating part, right? And why did you yell at your husband? Is it because you the words your colleagues told you have waken up some insecurities and you felt criticized and not accepted? What is it that you needed? You needed reassurance and acceptance.
So, now that you have understand what you really need, it is time you go get it at its source. Go do something that reaaaaaaally calms you down, like a massage, meditating, going to the beach, or taking a bath, whatever really works for you! But try to do something that directly brings up the emotion of being calm, not short cuts like drinking or eating as those won’t actually really work and plus you will probably feel guilty afterwards. Then, after you have calmed down, you still need you reassurance and acceptance. As much as it is great and really important to find loving people who can give this to you, the truth is that you have to find it inside yourself, that is the only true way. For example, you may vent and tell your husband what happened, and you may expect him to reassure you by telling you that you are super good at your job, and he tells you something similar, but if you don’t believe it yourself 100% then his words won’t really impact you that much, or they may a little when he says them but already after 10 minutes you find yourself needing other words of reassurance from him, cause the previous ones it’s like they did not stick.
So, you need to find that reassurance and acceptance yourself, rather than looking for it in other people. But how? well, first of all, write down all that happened at work today and how it made you feel. If you made a mistake a work, accept it, learn from it and move on. Mistake happens, we are not perfect. If it can be fixed then fix it, if it cannot, then there is nothing you can do but learn from it. If you actually did not do anything wrong and it was just your colleague overreacting then acknowledge that, she may also have insecurities that she expresses by lashing onto people. Then, what did you feel? When she told you you were incompetent, did you feel profound sadness? Did you feel intense anger? Did you feel not accepted? If you did, the truth is that you actually think it is true. Otherwise you would not have felt that emotion that much. So this means it is something you need to work on. Why, deep down, do you feel incompetent or not accepted? Do you actually poorly perform? why? or do you perform normally but always have a feeling that you are always bad at what you do or not worthy of the things you have? If you actually realize that you perform poorly and that this makes it unhappy, try to see why and try to change things around you, a small step every day, to improve your performance. If you perform normally, or even work very hard, but always have the feeling like it is not enough and that you are not accepted, then please do reprogramming work. Simply put, as it is a long topic, do everyday meditations that target your core wound. A core wound is an emotion and train of thoughts that got wired into your brain since you were little and then now are deeply part of who you are without you even realize it. A core wound could be, for example, always feeling not accepted, no matter what. This emotion was probably born because maybe your mom did not show you enough love and acceptance when you were little, and now you assume no-one will accept you for who you are. Mind you, it is sub-conscious, you probably do not even realize it. But if you start journaling an exploring your reactions and feelings, you may start becoming aware of those sub-conscious programs. To reprogram then, you need to make your change your sub-conscious from automatically thinking you are not accepted to automatically think you are accepted. It takes time, but it can be done. The best way it through meditation and new factual evidence. Every day, meditate, connect to a high feeling, and tell your self that you are worthy, that you are good enough, that you are accepted. But you really need to feel it, that is key! Tell yourself something you actually believe and that make you feel good. Then, try to avoid finding yourself in situations that prove you otherwise. For example, if your core wound is that you feel not accepted, you meditate everyday but then you are in a toxic relationship were your partner constantly makes you feel not accepted, well, maybe a change in your environment is needed as well. It is a delicate balance, only you can know, deep down, what is best for you. The more you meditate everyday, the more you will reprogram your brain to see acceptance around you rather than non acceptance.
So back to our previous example. If a situation triggers you, before venting with people or eating cookies or whatever, understand what you truly need and what wounds have been touched. Give yourself some time and space to meet your own need and reassure yourself. It is really important that you understand that You have to deal with your emotions and thoughts, those cannot be delegated to others, you cannot expect others to fix them for you, it is not fair to you and not fair to them. Once you are in a better place with yourself, then, please, surround yourself by your supporting network, like close friends and family, this is key, you are not supposed to deal with everything by yourself alone!! Life is also about sharing and opening up and growing together, and be able to be loved for who you are, the whole package!!!